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are often associated with weddings and marriage. 

In Korea, it’s ducks. These web-footed friends, which mate for life, are a part of the wedding procession.

Newlywed couples give each other something called a “wedding duck”; a pair of wooden ducks. They put them on a table where they both can see them.  They sit parallel. 

*If he comes home and her duck is turned toward him, it means she wants
  some attention.

*If her duck is turned away from him, it means “You’d better get over here and
 take care of this.” 

The wedding duck is about communication; it is also a means to identify and deal with inevitable conflict.

”Inevitable conflict?”  Yes, every marriage has it ups and downs; its times of stress, strain and conflict. 

One young woman asked her mother, “Mom, if marriages were made in heaven. Why do you and dad have so much trouble.” “That’s true honey,
mother allowed, “marriages are made in heaven but so is thunder and lightning.” 
If you listen carefully to the traditional wedding vows, you pick up on this reality…

I, Emory Dale, take thee, Lula Bell,
to be my wedded wife,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
    for better, for worse

How many of you married folks would agree that that is a good description of marriage?  (Raised hands.)

Who would concur with next line: “For richer, for poorer?”  Someone says, “I’m still waiting for that richer part.”

Four-year-old Suzie had just heard the story of “Snow White” for the first time, and couldn’t wait to get home from pre-school to tell her mommy.  With wide-eyed excitement, she retold how Prince Charming had arrived on his beautiful white horse and kissed Snow White back to life.

”And do you know what happened then,” Suzie asked loudly.

”Yes,” her mom said, “they lived happily ever after.”

”No,” responded Suzie with a frown, “they got married!”

Up to this point, their model relationship, has been marked by three prominent stages:

*Courtship—Chapter 1 — 3:5
*Their wedding— 3:6-11 (Verse 11 concludes, “On the day of their wedding,
               The day of the gladness of their hearts.”)

*Chapter 4 through 5:2— is the honeymoon.

The bible is not a fairly tale book; it presents real, fallen people living in a fallen world…It tells you the truth about…

…the world
…the next world
…sin
…What God did about in sending His son into the neighborhood
…(The truth about) Relationships

That’s why David said in wonder:  “Your Word is a lamp unto my feet and
               a light unto my path.”

*The remainder of the book (beginning at 5:2), shows how a marriage can continue to grow and deepen despite challenges and conflict.  We see a flesh-and-blood couple, grappling with

…male/female differences
…very different backgrounds
…and distinct personalities

navigating the ups and downs of marriage, and through it all—reaching new levels and fulfillment! 

Yes, all couples have their dungeons—tiffs…miffs….riffs; and sometimes grueling conflict.  One woman said: 

        “My husband and I divorced for religious reasons; he thought he was
         God and I didn’t.”

But wouldn’t marriage be boring if there were no bumps on the highway of marital bliss?

The key is learn how to fight fair, and end with a make up and a grow up, and not a throw up or a break up.

Moving from 5:1 to verse 2 is like driving from the Swiss Alps into Death Valley.  The wedding ducks are turned way from each other.

”I sleep, but my heart is awake,” is a way of saying, “I had a dream.”   Who has not had the experience of having something pressing on your mind all day, then to go to bed to dream or have a nightmare about it.

This is Solomon and Shulamite’s first spat!   What precipitated it? Who is to blame?  Here’s the scenario:

…Solomon comes home from work late at night

        The mention of the “dew” is Hebrew parallelism. It was late, nearly or
         after midnight.

…He wants to talk (maybe more than talk).  He knocks on the door of her
    bed chamber (often separate rooms in Near Eastern culture).

…She is miffed.  She makes excuses; she says through the door:  “I’m
       dressed for bed,”  “I’ve washed my feet.” 

Come on!— she doesn’t live in a barn!  She lives in the palace!

…He jiggles the door knob, leaves a love note (myrrh) and slips away.

In verse 6, she comes to her senses: “Man, did I blow it!  She opens the
        door, “But my beloved had turned away and was gone”?  The Hebrew
        can be translated,  “I nearly died when I found he had left.”

She gets dressed and goes searching for her beloved.  There are parallels with this nightmare and her dream of chapter 3:1-5. 

She happens upon some policeman working the night shift and, mistaking her for a prostitute— beat her!  ”What? You wait till King Solomon hears about this!” They aren’t into abusing the queen!  Remember it’s a dream…  Psychologists might say a subconscious expression of the guilt she feels over rebuffing her beloved.

She can’t find him and in her desperation she gets together a search party, comprised of her attendants at court, the daughters of Jerusalem.  She wrote a love song made famous centuries later by the Bee Gees, “I’ve just got to get a message to you…” “If you see my beloved,” she says, “Tell him I love him with all of my heart.”

Let’s think about…  she says, Let’s think about…The Source of Conflict
The Scariness of Conflict
The Solution of Conflict

  she says, Let’s think about…The Source of ConflictThe Scariness of ConflictThe Solution of ConflictWhat caused the wedding ducks to square off?  There are several possibilities:

1.  Male Triumphalism—Verse 1

12 times in 5:1, Solomon says, “I” “my”

Men are achievement oriented.  We are forever the goal-driven
    conqueror.

One day you met her, you asked her out—With one goal in mind.  You wooed her in ways that would make Robert Redford blush with shame.  You were creative; romantic. You…

…sent flowers
…called her on the phone
…You gave her rapt interest; becoming an expert at the two big questions:

    “Tell me more.”
    “My, how you have suffered.”

She was the focus of your attention and your life. Right up to your wedding day—You conquered!  And now, “I have a business to build…I’m busy!” The prize has been won!  Shame on you!

This is probably why men have garnered a reputation for refusing to stop and ask for directions.  This is one of those guys.

Or the ducks may have squared off…

2. Because of Overwork

    He is coming home around midnight.  You wonder if that was a pattern.

   The Principle is:  Work Imbalance Harms Family Relationships Over Time

3. Because of Normal Adjustment To Married Life.

There’s a story about the elephant and the chicken that got locked into a room together.  ‘Let’s make some rules,’ the chicken said. ‘Rule number one- We must not step on each other.”

You learn when to give the other person space; what their idiosyncrasies are.  With a watchful eye and a discerning heart, these are negotiated in the first couple of years in marriage.

4. Solomon and Shulamite are obviously struggling what’s been
    called “The Number One Problem In Marriage.”— Communication.

There are two categories of communication:

1. Verbal
2. Non-verbal

It’s striking that we communicate…

…55 percent by our actions.
…38 percent by tone of voice
…7 percent by actual words.

Shulamite has not learned to “speak the truth in love.”  When he knocked on the door what should she have done?  (Turn to someone right now and share your ideas on this question.)

She should have opened the door and either talked it out, or better, made an appointment to talk it out at some future, agreed-upon time.  Conflicts are rarely settled after 10:00 PM.

5. The conflict Involved The Neglect of One (or Both) of the Couples’
    Needs.    Conflict occurs when one or both parties feel wronged, denied,
    misunderstood or unappreciated in some way.  The hub is often felt (or
    real) needs.    Conflict occurs when one or both parties feel wronged, denied,    misunderstood or unappreciated in some way.  The hub is often felt (or    real) needs.    What does she need?

    1. Time. 

        It is the currency of a relationship.  Clearing space in your calendar for
        her says you are valuable to me.

    Conflict occurs when one or both parties feel wronged, denied,    misunderstood or unappreciated in some way.  The hub is often felt (or    real) needs.        It is the currency of a relationship.  Clearing space in your calendar for        her says you are valuable to me.    2.  Talk

        This is how she connects with you. It the way she handles stress. Men
        on the other hand, walk or take flight.

    3. Tenderness

         It feeds her soul to know that she is nurtured and cherished.  

    4. Touch

         Affectionate, non-sexual touch.
 
 What does he need?  For you to be His..

    Cheerleader
    Champion
    Companion
    Complement

 Could it be that Shulamite is using affection as a weapon…to punish
 him for a perceived slight, or provoke a response.   That always
 backfires!

This scene is not just challenging; it is scary… Shulamite has forgotten her own counsel…In chapter 2:15, she says, “It’s the little foxes that spoil the vines.”  It’s the little things…neglected, swept under the rug, ignored—that become monsters!

Who is wrong in this situation—Solomon or Shulamite? Whose attitude is threatening intimacy, unity and God’s purpose?

*Solomon’s expectations are unrealistic. But in his response, he is a
     challenging example of an OT believer controlled by the Holy  Spirit. 
     When rebuffed by his wife…

….He could have made demands…”Do you know who I am…I am the King of
          Israel.” 
…He could have been terrifically self-centered.  But he loves…is patient… kind…forbearing.  He says in verse two—

        “My sister, my love, my dove, my perfect (flawless) one.”

No where else in the Song does he address here with so many affectionate terms.”

*We pray that for Shulamite this is a one-time response.  She seems to be
  saying, “Boy, did I learn my lesson. I’ll never make that mistake again.”

What mistake?  Well, let’s play another ‘opposites’ (antonym game).  You give me the opposite word:

*Hot — Cold
*Left — Right
*Large — Small
*Love — (note hate) IndifferenceIf someone hates you, at least he regards you as a significant person.  But if he is indifferent towards you, the message is, “You are a zero to me; you don’t even exist.”  If someone hates you, at least he regards you as a significant person.  But if he is indifferent towards you, the message is, “You are a zero to me; you don’t even exist.”  *A finger pointed in anger isn’t fun, but it doesn’t have to threaten the
      relationship.

If someone hates you, at least he regards you as a significant person.  But if he is indifferent towards you, the message is, “You are a zero to me; you don’t even exist.”  *A finger pointed in anger isn’t fun, but it doesn’t have to threaten the      relationship.*It’s the yawn of indifference that should sent chill up your spin!

   “I’d don’t care.”
   “Do whatever you want.”
   “I’ll do what’s necessary to keep this family together, but that all. Stay off my
      back. Stop talking to me about it.” 

Resistance to solutions. 

Webster defines “indifference” as: 

             “of no importance or value one way or the other; a lack of interest,
              enthusiasm, or concern for something; apathetic.”

In marriage, apathy is death.  At the root of it is carnal, wicked pride! 

…The stuff that hell and misery are made of!
…The stuff that dries up the soul…
…that opens the door to the evil one!

What’s the answer to indifference?  Repentance. 

…A confession to God that pride has misplaced Him on the throne of your
        heart.

…Brokenness before God— That produces grace, forgiveness and humility.

Shulamite repented!  “How stupid I was,” she says.  “How shocking to me that I could be so hardhearted.”

In the early days of black and white television there was a show about two friends, “Amos and Andy.”  In one classic skit, Andy was always hitting Amos on the chest.  He would come around and smack him.

Andy got tired of it.  One day he is talking to his buddy, Kingfish.  “You know, Andy is always smacking me on the chest. He’ll never do that again.”

He pulled back his coat, and he has six sticks of dynamite taped to his chest.
He says, “The next time he slaps me on the chest, he’s going to blow his hand off.”

How many times do we strap sticks of dynamite— resentment, wounded-pride, anger, bitterness!—to our chest, in our marriage? 

In their first conflict, Solomon and Shulamite teach us a very important principle: In those times, it’s not what happens to us that matters most, it’s what happens in us.

In your marriage, in what directions are the wedding ducks turned?